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Inside Baseball

Posted by on April 6, 2013

This story previously appeared in Idol Meanderings, published by Fey Publishing in December 2011.

Doctor F. Alex Spencer held the abdominal x-ray up to the light and just shook his head, then turned to his patient, Patricia Baker. “That baseball is lodged in pretty tight. What on Earth possessed you to stick it up your twat?”

“Pardon?” Patricia asked, clearly not understanding the doctor’s coarse Britishism.

Patricia’s husband, Mark, however, was able to grasp such slang and grabbed the doctor’s arm. “What kind of doctor are you anyway, using language like that? It’s no way to talk to your patients!” He let go of the doctor’s arm, turned to Trish and added, “Let’s go, honey.”

Trish tried to stare down her husband, as if she were trying to communicate, “You’ve got to be kidding. I can barely move,” with ESP.

“She’s not going anywhere,” Doctor Spencer told Mark. “Not until we get that ball removed, whether you explain the events that led to its insertion or not.” He turned around and added, just for himself, “But I’d be surprised if it didn’t involve a bit o’ shagging.”

Mark looked at his wife, then to the doctor and back again. “You have to promise not to use that language again.”

Turning around again, the doctor tried to be more sympathetic. “My apologies, sir, sometimes I forget you Americans don’t have the proper grasp of the English language.”

“I meant your rudeness, not the specific use of the word ‘twat’, asshole. I spent a year studying in Birmingham. I’m pretty good with your slang.”

A nod of understanding from Spencer. He adjusted the glasses on his face and added an apology for the correct offence.

Mark slumped down in the chair next to Trish’s hospital bed and urged her to explain the details.

“Well,” Trish started, “Mark and I have been recently thinking about starting a family, but I’ve been rather concerned about the pain of childbirth. You know, pushing something out that size and all. So we thought we’d try and experiment with a few things first, to see if I could handle it.”

“So you used a baseball?” Doctor Spencer asked.

“It’s about the size of an infant’s head. We started with smaller things first, though, and I managed to push those out okay.”

This explanation seemed to knock the wind out of Doctor Spencer’s lungs. He coughed and spluttered trying to compose himself. “So this wasn’t a sexual experiment gone bad at all?”

Mark and Trish shared a confused look with each other. Mark turned back to the doctor. “Why on Earth would you think that? We’re only interested in sex for procreation. We’re not weirdos.”

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Dominica has a strong interest in exploring diversity in media, seeing people subverting corporate control of creativity through crowdfunding and indie publishing, and spending as much time as she can travelling the world and discovering culture. This is what she most regularly blogs about. In her spare time, Dominica is primarily focused on long-form improv theatre, and writing and publishing speculative fiction. You can find links to some of her free and published stories and screenplays on her writing page, or check out her pirate time-travel novel Adrift. Though born and raised in Australia to American parents, Dominica lived in Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, between 2008-2014, until she moved to the San Francisco Bay Area. She also has a background in web programming, filmmaking, and stand-up comedy. For more information, check out her about page, or any of the specific pages about her various creative pursuits in the links at the top of the page.

3 Responses to Inside Baseball

  1. D.

    I enjoyed this. I liked that the punchline was unexpected–when I read it, I was like “oh god! Practicing!”

    • Dom

      Haha, thanks! I’m glad you enjoyed it. And I’m sorry my site marked your comment as spam and I only just noticed. :/

I love to hear from my readers, and leaving your thoughts encourages me to blog more